• “Having a girlfriend doesn’t stop your mind from wandering”-stupid ho
• “Confession: I wanna bag your boyfriend”-stupid ho
• “I never should have ended that…”-stupid whore (p.s. you probably wouldn’t understand unless you know the rest of it”
• “I wanted to dance with her.”-my boyfriend
• *boyfriend’s ex tries to back her ass up on him*-stupid whore

I’ve been thinking alot about this shit and next time, one of these bitches will be punched in the face.

The truth about me…I’m psychotic, I’m insecure, and, in my eyes, I’m not good enough. I don’t really like to talk about these things, mostly because I feel like it’s giving me bad attention, but I feel like maybe I should let it out. I feel like I deserve to let loose and just tell someone, even if it’s no one at all.

I’m psychotic, I’ll give it to them. Those chicks are right. I’m one mother fucking crazy bitch. I drive by your house, or visit them at work when I miss them. It’s an addiction and just seeing where you are is like a dosage of drugs to me. I’m not normal, I act like a little kid and I know I do. I just miss when I was younger and didn’t give a shit about anything, but being fucking happy. I just do some stupid ass shit. Sometimes, I think I need to see a psychiatrist. I believe that acknowledging the fact that you need to see someone is the first step in fixing your problem. Even though I think I need to see a psychiatrist, I don’t quite have the guts to do it without telling me to go see one. Sometimes, I just I think about doing stupid shit just in general. Sometimes, if I know I’m in trouble or I’m in a bad mood and I’m in my car, I feel like just flooring it and crashing into a pole or a tree, but I convince myself out of it. I guess that technically means I’ve thought about self-harm, but then again I didn’t go through with it. Sometimes, I feel like I’m bipolar. I think this mostly when I realize my boyfriend and me have been fighting for like weeks and one minute I’m angry, then I’m upset, then I’m happy…like isn’t that how bipolar people act? I’m just crazy.

I’m insecure. Probably my biggest weakness. True, there are those very special days when I think I actually look beautiful, prom for example. For the most part, I find something that I don’t like about myself everyday. I might not like my nose, my teeth, my mustache, my boobs, the fact that my stomach isn’t as flat as I would like, my butt’s not big enough, my thighs are too thick for my body, I look too tired to be pretty, or I look like a whore cuz I tried to look cute. A lot of people stare and make comments when I put deodorant and perfume on during school. Basically, I’ve gone home with pit stains bigger than they should be and I have a fear that I smell like b.o. I guess it’s paranoia, but I can’t help it. I used to bring gum, mints, and crest wisps to school because I am afraid that I have halitosis. I can taste extra saliva in mouth and to me, that feels like I probably have bad breath. I know many people think I’m weird and crazy, but as I said, I think it’s just my paranoia. When I see that my stomach and thighs need to be skinnier, I think that I should try a fad diet, become a vegetarian, I’ve even thought about eating disorders, but basically, I could never not eat meat. It tastes so good and sometimes, I just need more than meat. I need comfort food, and lots of it. I know it’s unhealthy, but it’s comforting to know that something is there for me.

I’m not good enough. I try hard with everything I do. School, work, driving, making and keeping friends. But to be perfect at one thing, I must give up my hard work in something else. I try to be on time for school and work, and I only miss it by a few seconds, but I still get points and marked tardy. It’s not that I’m not trying, I swear, but then I get there and I feel like so many people are let down by me messing up. So, I was a decent driver when I first got my license and I had my permit, but then I got somewhat comfortable with driving. Then, my mom and boyfriend would be such backseat drivers and like it bothers me. I’ve been working on it, especially since I did hit someone from behind. That day, I just hated myself so bad. In school, I try so hard to get good grades and usually it works, but sometimes it just seems so hard. It’s not the work, really, it’s mostly taking tests and remembering it all. I’ve been trying to get better, but it hasn’t worked. I know I’m trying, but I don’t know if anyone else sees it. I feel bad for my friends. I never talk to them and I never hangout. I’m either with Bryn or doing like chores. I feel like they’ve all drifted and now I have basically Bryn to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to Bryn, but I’ve learned that I can’t trust he’ll keep everything to himself. So, I’ve basically told myself not to tell him certain things. I feel sorry for him, too. We’ve been getting into some heated shit. Mostly, it started with a lie I told, I admit I was wrong. But since that lie, everyday something bad has happened. Either I say the wrong thing or did the wrong thing. For example, tonight he called and woke me up. Basically, he had to tell me a story twice and both times I completely forgot what he was telling me. He got so upset, but like this hasn’t been the first time this has happened, so I don’t understand. It feels like he’s more sensitive towards things I’ve been saying and doing lately and I’m scared to do anything anymore. I feel like I’m losing everybody. I really want a hug right now, but it’s like 1:16 in the morning and everyone is like asleep.